


the replay of memories in my mind

by prkrpxtr



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt Michelle Jones, Infinty War - Freeform, Lots of crying and angst, Post Infinity War, mj deserves a hug, mj misses peter, so does ned and may
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 06:24:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prkrpxtr/pseuds/prkrpxtr
Summary: basically mj’s pov of the events of infinity war if she wasnt snapped away too. v angsty, if ur into that stuff. idfk what to put in here, just read it i guess





	the replay of memories in my mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys this is my first fic so obviously it's not gonna be THAT good but still give it a read and feel free to comment what you want.Its only about 5k words so its not too long. Its sad ngl so if ur into angsty shit go ahead.  
> my twitter - @/spldeysdaya  
> enjoy! x

MJ was at home, asleep, recovering from a vomiting bug when it all happened, when her life was changed forever.

The rest of her year group, including her boyfriend Peter, were going on a school trip. He had called over to her house before he left that morning after her mother had left for work. She buzzed him into her apartment and he arrived at her door with a hot chocolate from their favourite cafe that they would normally go to after school to chill out before he went on duty. His hair was slightly combed back and he had a grey jacket on top of a blue shirt that said something about lettuce, he always wore weird, yet hilarious, t-shirts and they always managed to crack MJ up, even on her worse days.

“A hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows for m’lady” he said, closing the door behind him.

“You’re a life saver, I’ve been dying for one of these for days.” She replied to him, taking a big sip of her hot chocolate while wrapping herself in a blanket and sitting back on the couch. “How did you get it though, it’s only half 7 and they usually open at 8 if i remember correctly?”

“Long story short, I changed into my Spider-Man suit and knocked on the door saying it was an Avengers emergency until someone finally came to the door and took my order, they weren’t too impressed to say the least.” He said with a smile

“You do realise you’re not officially an Avenger?” MJ replied with her eyebrows raised

“The barista doesn’t know that though, besides I’d go to great lengths to make you happy even if that meant pretending I’m an Avenger” he said, strolling over to the couch and sitting down beside her, planting a kiss on her forehead. She then put her head on his shoulder and he laid his head on top of hers and they both closed their eyes as some chill music played in the background. She enjoyed simple moments like these when Peter was being Peter, a sap but adorable nevertheless, and when there isn’t a worry in the world, they can just be.

 

She was about to drift off to sleep when Peter snapped her out of it,

“Wakey wakey Em, I gotta go or I won’t make it to Midtown in time to go on the trip. Do you want me to make you something to eat before I leave?” He questioned in a soft voice while getting up off the couch, forcing her to sit back up.

“No I’m fine I’ll make myself noodles later or something. Thanks for bringing me hot chocolate by the way, much appreciated” She said, tiredly.

“Anything for you Em, hope you get better soon, I’ll call over when I get back from the trip. Love you!” He said, planting a soft kiss on her lips and then walking out the door.

“Love you too, loser!” she replied, he smiled to himself before he shut the door behind him.

 

It wasn’t soon before she was in a deep sleep once again, dreaming about her and Peter travelling the world together as they had talked about many times before when they took long walks at night to their favourite park just a block away from where she lived. She was head over heels for him and had been for a while even when she chose not to admit it to herself, she knew it deep down. In the end she was just happy that Peter was just as head over heels for her and she was for him.

 

When she woke up from her nap she felt better than she did previously, she did as she said she would to Peter and made herself a bowl of chicken noodles while the song “Keep On” by Kehlani was playing in the background on the radio. She picked up her phone that was on the counter top to check the time, it read 12:30pm, she decided to text Peter to see how the school trip was going,

 _hey_ _loser_ , _just_ _woke_ _up_ _from_ _a_ _good_ _ass_ _nap_. _how’s_ _the_ _trip_ _going_ , _did_ _you_ _guys_ _do_ _anything_ _interesting?_ _call_ _me_ _when_ _you_ _get_ _some_ _free_ _time_ _x_

 

A few hours past, she had been sitting in the fire escape, reading a book that Peter gave her a while ago for her birthday and observing the busy streets of Queens. The breeze outside was smooth and blew her hair slightly as she took a sip from a mug full of chamomile tea. It was the calm before the storm.

 

She was in the middle of drawing in an old sketchpad when chaos struck. Two cars collided near her apartment, there was people down on the streets running in all different directions. She was confused, what was so bad down there other than a car crash? Then suddenly she felt a huge gust of wind hit her and blow a page out of her sketchpad. She stood up from the chair on the fire escape where she was sitting and then she saw a shadow being casted above her street. When she looked up she saw some sort of spaceship. She didn’t know if that was the most accurate description of it but whatever it was it wasn’t from Earth.

 

She ran inside almost instantly and dialled Peter’s phone. It went to voicemail. She rang her mum who thankfully did pick up, she told MJ to stay inside and she would be home as soon as possible. So she did just that. She turned on the news to see a headline saying Tony Stark was missing. He heart dropped because she realised that Peter being Peter would’ve followed Tony if he was in trouble. Tony was his mentor after all. MJ got scared. Really scared. Tears began to surface as she tried to calm herself down but her mind kept turning to Peter. She had continued to call him and it kept going to voicemail so she called Ned. Her heart went from being dropped to shattered when the words “MJ, is Peter with you?” came through the phone.

 

She had talked to Ned for a while before he calmed her down, tears streaming down her face. She told Ned not to come over because it still might not be safe to be on the streets even though the flying doughnut-shaped ship had left Earth, they didn’t want to take any chances.

 

MJ turned on the TV, hoping for any sort of an update on whatever the fuck was happening right now. The whole of New York was chaotic, everyone was confused, the news lady didn’t have much to say only that the president has declared a state of emergency and that everyone should stay calm and try to carry on with their daily lives, they didn’t know if the spaceship would come back or not.

 

She couldn’t comprehend how confused she was. She had so many questions, so many worries, so many thoughts about possible things Peter could be doing right now, places he could be, people he could be surrounded by. Is he with Tony Stark? Is he with the Avengers? Did he not make it to school this morning? Is he gone on duty trying to help people? Is he on that spaceship? Is he in trouble? Is he… is he dead? Her mind was being bombarded with all these questions and she couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t lose him, her best friend, her boyfriend. they had talked about their future so many times, places they wanted to visit, things they wanted to do once they finished school. This couldn’t be how it all ended.

 

An hour had past of MJ lying on the couch, drowning in her own tears and thoughts. Overwhelmed by the fact that she had no answers, she didn’t know what was happening, she didn’t know where Peter was or if he was okay or not. She had nothing. She was alone in her apartment, craving some reassurance that the one she loved most was okay.

 

Her thoughts were paused by the sound of someone on TV talking about Spider-Man and the Avengers. She instantly reached for the remote and she turned up the volume louder than necessary, she needed to hear every word.

“It has now been confirmed that Queen’s very own masked hero, commonly known as Spider-Man, is missing. He was last seen gripping to the spaceship that flew over New York earlier today.” The news lady didn’t sound very sympathetic. MJ was in shock. She started hyperventilating and then sobbing, not like before though these were hysterical tears. She hated crying. She hated showing too much emotion in general in case anyone took advantage of her being vulnerable but she was alone now, so so alone and she didn’t know what else to do than cry. She did nothing but cry that day. She was completely and utterly broken. She knew that the spaceship had flown out of the atmosphere, and took Peter with it.

 

She called her mom. She told her everything, Peter being Spider-Man, how he’s on that spaceship that flew over her earlier and how she felt so alone. She didn’t know what to do.

Her mom was on her way home when MJ called her. She arrived back at her apartment 10 minutes later, rushing over to MJ who was sitting on the ground, her back against a wall, tears dried on her skin. She looked sick and tired. MJ’s mom crouched down and wrapped her arms around her, reassuring her that it was all going to be okay in the end.

“I should’ve just told him to stay home with me today. I should’ve gone on that school trip. If I went he could still be here, he could still be alive.” She felt the tears stream down her face once again.

“MJ- shhh look at me baby it’s not your fault. You need to stop blaming this on yourself, there is nothing you could’ve done.”

She brought MJ over to the couch and sat down with her, arms still holding her tightly. It didn’t take long for MJ to fall sleep in her mothers arms. She felt safe in her her arms, even when she felt like he whole life was crumbling at least her mother was always there to reassure and protect her.

 

She dreamt about him. However, it wasn’t much of a dream per se, more of a replay of memories. The good memories. The ones of them early in their relationship, trying to figure out what the hell they were doing, if it was right. She dreamt about how they spent a whole Saturday afternoon going around to cafés in Queens to see which one did the best hot chocolate so that they could call it “their café”. She dreamt about the first time they held hands. It was about a week into their relationship on a Friday and they decided to skip last period together so that they could go to MJ’s favourite book store to checkout a book that was just released before it sold out. She remembered how they were walking along the busy streets of Queens just chatting about school stuff. Peter looked good that day, his hair was slightly messy and he had one of his science joke t-shirts on. They were about a block away from the bookstore when Peter’s hand slightly brushed off hers. She knew Peter and he’s always very fidgety when he’s even the slightest bit nervous so she knew it wasn’t an accident, he was planning on brushing his hand against hers. She intertwined her hand with his and looked over at him with a smile, he blushed a small bit and smiled. It felt like something out of a romance novel, it was such a small gesture but it was a big step for her. It was perfect. He was perfect.

 

MJ was shaken out of her sleep when she heard yet another car crash on the street below her apartment.

“Why is everyone crashing their cars today, there can’t possibly be another spaceship outside?” She thought to herself. A little bit of her had hope that is was the spaceship from earlier today however, she hoped that Peter had come back, safe and sound. She quickly looked over to the other side of the couch, her mother had fallen asleep too. She opened up the window of her bedroom and climbed into the fire escape looking below. She didn’t believe what she was seeing. There was no spaceship, there was people… turning to dust. There was people screaming and cars crashing and bikes falling. MJ didn’t know what to make of what she saw. Her first instinct was to call Pet… but he was gone. Instead she called out for her mother who was awoken by the sound of MJ’s voice screaming her name. She quickly rushed over MJ who was staring, horrified on the chaotic streets below. Not knowing what in the name of God was happening.This day was such a mess she just wanted to restart the day. She wanted all this to go away.

 

About an hour later it was all over, there was less and less noise coming from the streets. Her and her mother were sitting on the couch huddled together, in shock of what they just saw, thankful nothing happened to them. The news was just there for background noise. MJ couldn’t help the fact that no matter what she thought about to distract herself, her mind always seemed to go back to Peter. It was getting late and she was tired. It had been a very long fucking day and she was still in shock. Between Peter, not knowing where he is, if he’s even on this planet or if he’s still.. alive and this thing with people turning to dust she really just couldn’t take it. She couldn’t sleep. She needed him. Even though she was with her mother she couldn’t help but feel a part of her missing.

 

MJ’s mother had gone to bed so she decided to write on a post it note saying she couldn’t sleep so she was heading over to Peter’s place. She knew he wasn’t going to be there deep down but she still had a glimse of hope, plus at least she could sleep in his bed for tonight. His bed felt smelt like him, she felt safe there. They shared many memories there.

 

Even though Peter’s apartment was only a block away, the walk felt like forever. The streets were a mess, there was people everywhere, random belongings scattered, empty crashed cars. She didn’t know if the rest of the world had experienced.. whatever this is but New York was in complete disarray. She didn’t know if Aunt May was home or not, nor she couldn’t imagine what May is going through right now but she didn’t want her to be alone right now. She has lost so much in these past few years, she deserved some company tonight. Peter had given MJ a key to his apartment in case of emergencies and she did the same.

 

She let herself in, calling out for Aunt May. May came around the corner of the kitchen, her hair was tied up in a messy bun and her makeup was smudged. MJ raced over and hugged her tightly. They talked for a while, MJ tried to reassure her as best as she could. MJ was still heartbroken and tried her best to conceal her hurt but May knows MJ and she knows when she’s trying to hide her emotions. Both found it comforting that they were both feeling the same hurt, the fact that they weren’t alone.

 

After about an hour of talking, crying and hugging, MJ decided to head to bed and May did the same. MJ changed into one of Peters old sweatshirts, taking in the scent of Peter. She looked around Peter’s room, half her wardrobe was in a pile on his floor from all the times she slept over when she couldn’t sleep. So many firsts happened here in his room. Their first kiss, their first “I love you”s and a few other things too. She looked outside his window. The streets were quieter than usual, everyone must be uneasy about what happened. Her included. The thought of it all make her choke on her own breath. She found it hard to breath. She rushed to open to the window and went out onto his fire escape. Her hair was captured by the wind, blowing in all different directions.

 

She remembered the first time she went over to his apartment. He was nervous as always, he fidgeted with his fingers. He lead her in the door and she followed his footsteps.

‘Hey Peter how was your- Oh! Hey you must be Michelle, how are you!” Aunt May said as she prepared food in the kitchen.

“Hey Mrs Parker! you can just call me MJ by the way” MJ replied back, trying to make a good first impression

“Oh well then I guess you can just call me May, or Aunt May if you want!” May said back, a wide grin on her face. MJ just smiled back in return.

“May I’m just gonna show MJ my room, the food smells good by the way” Peter butted in

“Why thank you its a new meatloaf recipe, lets hope it tastes as good as it smells though. You two have fun” May said as we headed to Peters room.

Peter’s room was cleaner than your average teenager’s room. He had bunk beds and there was posters of Star Wars on his walls.

“It’s cool” MJ said abruptly

“What is?” He replied

“Your room. I like it. You might want to empty a drawer though, I can guarantee I’m gonna end up leaving a lot of my stuff here if you know what I mean” MJ said which a light laugh under her breath, walking around his room, taking it all in. After half an hour of trying to decide a movie to watch, Peter managed to persuade MJ to watch Star Wars. He really was obsessed with the franchise but MJ didn’t mind. She ended up falling asleep on his shoulder, he wrapped his arm around her until the movie ended when he picked her up bridal style, carried her to his room and tucked her into his bed, she was already wearing his pyjamas. However, MJ was a light sleeper and woke up to the sound of him closing the door.

“Hey” she said in a tired, croaky voice “Where are you going?”

“Oh I was just gonna sleep on the couch, I-I didn’t want to make it weird or anything” He said, embarrassingly but adorably nervous

“Man get over here of course it wouldn’t be awkward, you’re my boyfriend after all” MJ replied reassuringly. Peter then crawled into bed next to her and put his arm around her as she snuggled into him. She looked up at him and their lips met, MJ’s tongue brushed against his bottom lip, making him open his mouth more, making way for a bit of tongue and deepening the kiss. They then cuddled for a while and eventually they fell asleep. It was the perfect evening. They both felt safe with each other. They had so much love for each other.

 

MJ crawled into Peter’s bed where they had cuddled more times than she could count. Holding back tears, she noticed how weird it was to be here without him, she had been in his bed by herself before when she waited for him to come home from being on duty but the difference between those nights and this night is that she before she could sleep with the fact that she knew he could be home soon, now she didn’t. She didn’t even know is Peter was alive anymore. She grabbed a pillow from the top bunk and held it in her arms tight, tears slowing dripping down her face and onto the pillow as she fell asleep to the soothing smell of Peter.

 

On the second week without Peter she looked out on the streets of Queens from the window of her and Peter’s café, at all the people who were walking past, carrying on with their lives as if nothing happened. She didn’t understand how people could move on so quickly. She felt like she was super glued to the past, she couldn’t quite just simply let go. She remembered how Peter had actually talked to her about a situation like this. It was a rainy night and Peter had swung to MJ’s apartment with a deep cut in his chest. MJ cleaned his wound and patched him up and when she was finished they sat on her bed with a bowl of popcorn.

“I’m sorry MJ” he said, out of the blue as MJ was in the middle of stuffing her face

“For what? You didn’t spit a popcorn kernel back into the bowl did you?” She replied adding in an aspect of humour to what she knew would be a serious conversation. He sat up.

“No, of course not, that’s disgusting!” He said back to her ”I meant sorry for coming here all wounded and making you patch me up, I should’ve been more careful tonight” he said a bit more sternly.

“Don’t be sorry, I could’ve easily just left you to bleed out here on my bed, but I didn’t because I knew i’d miss your hot bod too much” MJ said letting out a little giggle. Peter smiled down at her and took another mouthful of popcorn.

“I just want to remind you that my job is dangerous and I’m sorry if one day I don’t make it home” He looked at MJ who had a more serious face.

“Peter… what’s going on, what do you mean?” She said and she sat up, placing her hand on his

“What I’m trying to say is that I love you, and I want you to have the best in your life, and if someday shit hits and fan and something bad goes down with the Avengers, it’s my duty as Spider-Man to go and help. But if I don’t make it home you need to mark my words: Live your life, I want you to go out and explore the world. Discover new places, do what you do best, help people. I don’t want you to ever put your life on hold for me. If I die, you need to promise me you will keep living your life, for me.” Peter’s eyes were tearing up as he looked over at MJ who had tears streaming down her face.

“Well lets hope shit doesn’t hit the fan then, because I don’t want to live in a world without you” she let out a small giggle and then cuddled into his side

“I love you so much.” She mumbled

“I love you more, Em” he replied, planting a kiss on her forehead.

She hated how she was so oblivious to the possibility of that situation and how she just brushed it off. And here she is now, completely lost without him.

 

Oh how she would give the world just for one more day with him. Just so she could tell him how much he means to her, how much she loves him, how much she loves his weird science t-shirts and how she adores his passion and love for Star Wars. All she wanted to do was sit in their café once more and take it all in. The sight of him. His scent. The feel of her hands going through his hair. Him.

 

It had been seven months since everything happened. Since the spaceship flew over New York. Since half of the world’s population turned to dust. Since she lost the love of her life, Peter Parker. For three months after that day she spent most nights at Peter’s apartment with Aunt May. She didn’t mind, she enjoyed MJ’s company and vice versa. MJ took her time to grieve. It took longer to get over the fact that he wasn’t coming home every night, some nights she laid awake, hoping she would hear a faint knock on the window, his signal to her that he was coming in. Sometimes she would sit in his fire escape looking back on all the memories they had sitting there, looking out over the tall buildings of New York huddled in a blanket while watching the busy streets below. She would sit there looking out, knowing that she wouldn’t see him swinging around in his red and blue skin-tight suit but deep down still hoping some day she would.

 

It wasn’t always that simple though. For the first few weeks she had no clue what to do with herself, she would drown out the memories she had with Peter with alcohol until she passed out, she hated how happy she used to be with him and how she can’t feel that same happiness anymore. She hated how she knew he wasn’t coming home to her. She had nightmares of him calling out her name for help but she couldn’t find him anywhere. It terrified her, the thought that he could be somewhere all alone. She drowned those thoughts out with alcohol too, it’s the only thing she knew how to do those days.

 

There was a lot of days when she went through her phone at old voicemails he would leave her, old text messages, old photos and it would spark memories in her mind. She didn’t know why she put herself through the pain of these old memories. She just wanted to feel like he was still with her. Tears would flow down her cheeks as she remembered all the good times they had together and how they had plans to do so much in the future. His time was cut too short, he was so young and had his whole life ahead of him. It hurts her to think about all the times he told her how he didn’t care what the future held as long as he was with her. And then she would feel guilty that she was here living, without him. She would do anything to see him one last time.

 

However, in spite of all this heartbreak and loss, MJ took her time to ground herself over a few months. She spent time with Aunt May and Ned, checking up on them daily to make sure they were doing okay. Loosing Peter broke them all but they eventually built themselves back up. MJ and Ned went to Aunt May’s once a week to help her make dinner and then watch a movie together. It was a small gesture but reminded them that they weren’t alone.

 

It had officially been just over 4 years since Peter disappeared and half the world turned to dust. MJ had graduated from Midtown School of Science and Technology with Ned and they both went to NYU, they decided to stay in New York to be close to their families and May but it worked out anyway because NYU had the courses they have planned on studying anyway. Everyone’s life was back on track. MJ still went to her and Peter’s favourite café every time she came home and she introduced it to Ned, he loved their hot chocolate too.

 

It was a Friday afternoon which meant MJ and Ned were heading home to stay with their families for the weekend. They planned on going to May’s apartment on Sunday for dinner before they left to go back to NYU. When Sunday rolled around, Ned and MJ stopped at their favourite café and picked up 3 classic hot chocolates with whipped cream and marshmallows on their way to Aunt May.

They let themselves into her apartment

“Hey May, its just us” MJ shouted as they walked in the door

“Hey kiddos, I have the dinner in the oven, it’s near ready. Mind setting the table?” May asked as Ned and MJ put their bags down by the door

“Yeah no problem, how have you be-“ Ned was in he middle of talking when he was cut off by the doorbell

“I’ll get it, you guys finish setting the table” May said and she made her way across the apartment to the door, a mug of tea in her hand

MJ and Ned carried on putting out forks and knives etc when all of a sudden they heard a crash from the door. May had dropped her mug.

“May? Everything okay?” MJ called out to her. No reply.

“May?” She called out again. MJ shot a worried lookout Ned as they rushed over to the door to find May in a young guy's arms, she had fainted. The guy was looking down at her so they couldn’t see his face.

“Hey! What did you do to her?” Ned rushed over to May, oblivious to the guy in the doorway, took her in his arms and laid her on the couch. MJ couldn’t comprehend what was happening however. She knew that figure of the guy standing in the doorway. She knew those curls. She started to panic and started to hyperventilate.

“It can’t be him MJ your mind is playing tricks on you again” she said to herself in her head

“No” she said under her breath “How-“

A single tear fell down her face.

“P-Peter?”


End file.
